warning: i am on cold medicine, so this may not make much sense

One of the reasons I type so strongly as an iNtuitive on the Myers-Briggs is the fact that I’m constantly thinking big picture, long-term, future stuff. It takes a lot more effort for me to think in terms of a task list for the day than it does for me to think of the end goal for the day, month, eternity, etc. I also have an extremely high penchant for daydreaming. It’s just how my brain functions.

And unfortunately, that means living in this weird, nebulous post-grad phase of life is pretty much the worst possible thing for me. Ever.

Why? Because there are simultaneously a million possible opportunities and almost no opportunities. My life could go anywhere, but I also have to figure out a feasible way to get moving. I can be anything, but I can’t be most anything quite yet.

Does that even make sense?

Basically, I think the game of LIFE got it kind of right. There are an almost endless number of ways your “life” can turn out, but you only get a handful of choices to start with. And you get a few more choices after that, and a few more after that until your life just is. I always started the game knowing pretty much what spaces I wanted to land on, which job and house cards I wanted, all that jazz. Sometimes the plan worked, sometimes it didn’t. Such is life (or LIFE, in this case). But everything still spawned from the choices made at the beginning. Granted, your “choices” in LIFE aren’t nearly as varied or really much of a choice at all most of the time, but it’s about as good of a metaphor as I’ve got for this.

Again, am I making sense? Reminder: cold medicine does wacky things to your brain, and those under its influence should not be allowed to spout words onto the Internet for the world to see.

Labored metaphor aside, this is what I’m trying to get across: I know, at least in general terms, what I want to do with my life. I have those goals in my head. I want to teach journalism, yearbook, etc. on the high school level, preferably at a small to mid-size private school. I want to be happily married and have a family. I want to live in Washington D.C. or abroad for at least a few years. I want to work with children’s theater/choir, and I want to find an outlet for my own singing/theater skills. These are things I’ve discovered desires and passions for, and they’re the things that dance around happily in my head when I imagine where I’ll be 5, 10, 20 years down the line.

But right now I’m not there. And when I, with my big-picture, long-term brain, am confronted with the same old checklist day after day, it begins to wear on the soul a bit. I’m not saying I expected to have my dream job or be married straight out of college; I knew these were things that would come with time and living. But when I get so wrapped up in the “someday,” in the “when I’m 25,” in the “when I have kids,” that I start missing the decisions I have to make to get me there.

The day-to-day checklists I dread contain the choices that will be the stepping stones that get me to the “someday.” That get me to the “when I’m 25” and to the “when I have kids.” I can’t ignore now for the sake of later.

This isn’t a “Live each day as if it were your last” post. This is a “Today makes tomorrow” post. A “The choices you make today will affect your life tomorrow” post. Goals are good. Plans are good. But in order to actually get there, to make those plans happen, you’ve got to make decisions now.

I know where I want to go. I’m not quite sure how to get there yet. But I’m working on it. And I have to be okay with that for right now.

Disclaimer: Once again, I’d like to remind you that I am on cold medicine and also tired. I have most likely tried to come across as highly philosophical and wise yet only succeeded in being extremely pretentious and confusing. Very little of what I have typed here should be taken without at least a few grains of salt. I apologize, and good night.




One thought on “warning: i am on cold medicine, so this may not make much sense

  1. This absolutely makes sense. And don’t worry, you are definitely not alone in this situation. Seems to be the theme song of the post-grad 23-year-old. Good reminder to look at today, so thanks! Hang in there sweet friend, it’ll work itself out eventually (or at least that’s what I’ve been told, haha).

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